The muck

Truly I'm not very excited about revisiting some of my past, but my teachers are moving me to go deeper.

Already this last year, as I've been writing my first book - a romanced memoir offering a self-love map to women - I revisited my repeated abandonment wound, my father's death, my loneliness as a child.

Now the finger is put down on the most disturbing passage of this growing being I am.

The grayer area, the muck, the confusing, the blind spot, the genetic and ancestral violation.

I share this to inspire you in some ways.

The sword I was able to use over time had been tangled in heavy sticky web threads. It is a miracle that I managed to free myself from such a mess.

The dynamic with my father as he was raising me as the single dad of a single child, was less than pure.

It was tainted by so much. And yet I feel a deep love for him.

Everything that was repressed in my father, was expressed to me, either verbally, energetically or physically.

Inappropriate emotional requests were made of me for most of my father's life.

Rage was screamed at my face, and sexual desires were - thank God for me - repressed physically, but expressed energetically.

Physical violence accompanied puberty as I had then become untamable.

To be able to heal, I had to put a large body of water and a vast continent between us as soon as I was able to fly off that far of my own.

To disentangle myself from a contract I did not remember was mine.

It seemed a humanly impossible task.

A mountain that I thought I would never be able to move around.

A weight on my heart, I never thought I would see lift.

And if I had only one thing to love myself by, that would be that: the humongous amount of courage and commitment I've moved through this lifetime to be a healed being.

To be a whole being. Un-fractured, ultimately unscathed, ultimately free of bondage with the past.

That is this journey I am continuing to walk and refine and want to share with you.

I am a survivor, and that allows me to hold space for others.

To inspire you to do the same.

To not give up when the sun is pounding on your back and your breath get shallow.

To not let go when your heart's hand seems out of strength and wants to drop open and let you fall from the lifeline of your own faith.

Keep going, keep walking, keep trusting. We can do this!